I’m gonna say something that will probably make other China adoptive parents shake their finger or look down their nose at me. It’s not PC and I’m sure some will say I’m not showing the proper respect for my daughters’ birth country.
Well, I think respect is earned and not necessarily given freely based on circumstance. I can respect the history but I don’t have to totally respect a culture who has essentially discarded my children. Don’t misunderstand me – I am grateful. Beyond grateful.
But – I cannot wait to leave here. I am sick to freaking death of this province and in many ways of this whole country this time around. I’m sure that the warm fuzzies will kick back in once we get home and this trip is just a memory but in this moment of living it – yeah, not so much.
As with anything, it’s the negatives that are most jarring and most remembered, isn’t it? And the negatives here seem to be particularly plentiful.
I get it that staring here is a cultural thing. I do. I get it that we are an oddity more so here than in the larger, more cosmopolitan cities – but in no way do I think that makes it okay for people (grown ups, no less) to point and laugh at my baby or to make obvious fun of her cleft, to approach my little big girl and berate her for not speaking to them in Chinese (or any language), or to make derogatory comments about us as we carry our Chinese children down the street to WalMa*t (the intent of what you’re saying is clear in any language, dude). I’m also very tired of people wishing to practice their english with us when we very clearly have our hands full of unhappy or tired children. I’m just over it. Frankly, it pisses me off that we can’t walk down the street without being stared at, pointed out, accosted, or photographed and both J and I are developing real attitudes about it.
I just want to shout this:
DO NOT DEFINE THIS CHILD, MY CHILD, BY THE FACT THAT SHE IS CLEFT AFFECTED. By doing so (generic) you minimize the fact that she is a person – a baby – who is sweet and smart and funny who just happened to be born with a birth defect through no fault of her own. She is so much more than that and it is China’s loss that she is leaving to become an American in just a few (well, maybe more than a few) days. And that coveted American passport? Yeah, that’s happening because she was born with that particular birth defect so I’m not sure it’s such an unlucky thing for her after all.
That’s my rant for the day, y’all. Brought to you courtesy of a fed up American after two long, separate trips to Wal-Ma*t today and dinner at Pizza Hut with another family in our travel group. We were the dinner entertainment tonight since nearly every single person in there not so surreptitiously crept by our table to get a look at the Americans.
P.S. Cotton convention at our hotel started today. Good times – more people to look at us like we have 3 heads.
P.P.S. Not sure who came up with the background music at Pizza Hut but it was awesome. It was like the best 70′s and 80′s mix tape ever. All that was missing was a prom dress, rented tux, and a wrist corsage.
P.P.P.S. We refuse to live solely in our hotel room so we are bucking up and dealing with the stares and comments and getting out there anyway. Ava is still mostly oblivious (thankfully) and we are doing our best to leave her with a positive impression of this trip despite the fact that she has currently turned into a whiny little demon child who has mostly forgotten how to listen or behave.
P.P.P.P.S (Last one, I promise.) We nearly broke the baby tonight when she nose dived out of the stroller onto the hotel room floor. Rug burn on her forehead is a good look for her, right? She’s fine, of course, but it scared the heck out of me and made me feel totally incompetent for a while. Then I remembered all the times that we dropped Ava on her head and realized that this is only the first of many times things like this will likely happen.
I’m kind of an emotional wreck today.
Due to a procedural change in the way the baby’s passport is applied for and issued we were required to apply in person in the city she is from. Her city, Nanyang, is about a 4 hour drive from the provincial capital, Zhengzhou, where we are now. Regardless of the inconvenience I was very happy to hear that we would be able to go as most other parents adopting from Nanyang have not been allowed due to the distance.
We headed out around 8:30 this morning and made really good time there. The drive was fine, although slightly hair-raising as usual. We loaded up the iPad for Ava and she did great. Merry slept the first couple of hours and then got a little fussy since she couldn’t get up and move around. Overall though, it was an easy trip. Very pretty – lush and green – once you get out of the city. It is a very agricultural area between Zhengzhou and Nanyang with the main crops in the area being corn and wheat. But yes, that is smog. (And sorry if the photo quality sucks but most of these were taken from the back seat of a van, through the window, while hurtling down the expressway with a driver who clearly had a death wish.)
Driving into Nanyang was interesting. It’s a 2-3 lane road that Chinese drivers have made into an unofficial 6 lane road. These people know how to play chicken, that’s for sure.
I’ve been lobbying to visit her orphanage since before we even got to China even though I knew it was a long shot. The guide with us today was not encouraging but did promise that we would be able to visit Merry’s finding spot. We will not share this location with anyone as we feel it is Merry’s private story to share when/if she wishes – but let me tell you that going there with her today was one of the most emotional and heartbreaking moments of my life. J was holding her with one hand and taking pictures with the other while I walked on ahead to get a quick video with my phone. Picture me (red-haired Caucasian who kind of stands out anyway) just sobbing while I was doing this. I started crying the minute I got out of the van and approached the area and didn’t stop for quite a while. My heart is just so heavy when I think of my precious baby – as well as my little big girl – having to go through this part of their life alone. I know it’s the beginning of what brought them to me but it’s just so hard to think of it (and of the sorrow their birthparents must have felt) and to physically be there where Merry was found was just almost too much to bear. J felt exactly the same way. I am happy that I can say to both of my girls that I know with 100% certainty that they were left where they would be quickly found and for that I am grateful beyond measure. This visit to her finding spot is beyond priceless to me and I think the pictures and video will be to her later on.
The passport office was not open yet so we headed off to lunch. The guide took us to a “western” style restaurant where we had a chicken burger(?), really spicy chicken drummettes, deep fried sweet potato and corn nuggets, and the pièce de résistance consisting of 2 breaded and deep fried circular patties of Spam – which you were supposed to liberally sprinkle with black pepper. Some of that meal was gross – I’ll leave you to figure out which part. We were also quite taken aback with the baby of one of the workers, complete with bare-bottomed split pants, perched right in the center of a table inside. A table where people eat. I love clorox wipes – I’m just sayin’. And the decor? Retro Disney and smiling Asian children. We neglected to take a picture of the Pooh decals on the other wall. I’m pretty sure that this usage of Disney branding is not official.
The passport procedure itself was simple. We met the assistant orphanage director and she, along with our facilitator, handled most everything. The orphanage director had to hold Merry for her passport photo and that went fine. They got the cutest picture on the first try and Merry was just a dream throughout the process. After we finished there we walked next door to submit the paperwork where there were 2 other orphanage workers to assist us and another family. We submitted Merry’s application, our passports, and had to sit down for a quick interview that consisted of another photo being taken of Merry and two questions. They asked us how many biological kids we had (zero) and then how many times we had adopted before (one). They only asked the last question after they spotted the old Chinese visa in our passports. This whole process lasted maybe half an hour.
We had lots of people looking and smiling and some approaching us in the office. One grandma type was clearly approving and asked Ava (in Chinese) if Merry was her mei-mei. Ava shyly nodded yes and then buried her head in my leg and refused to speak to anyone else. Once the paperwork was finished the orphanage director came over and reached out to hold Merry to say goodbye. Merry went to her easily but stayed only a minute before she was reaching for me to take her back. The women all cooed about how she wanted her Mama and smiled approvingly. I, of course, was near tears again.
After my incessant nagging we were told that we would be allowed to go to the orphanage but it didn’t happen. I was outvoted since I was the only one who wanted to. Apparently it would have added an extra hour to the trip. I cannot even express to you how sad I am about not being able to go. I would have given anything to meet the nannies who took care of my baby and to see where she came from – but majority rules and I lost. I will be sad about this for a long time, I think. I know we missed a once in a lifetime chance. We would have been one of the first groups allowed to visit the orphanage, by the way. They have not been especially open to outside visits.
I did have a chance to ask some questions of the director and she was so kind and tolerant of my questions even pulling out Merry’s complete file to answer some of them. We know that Merry was found by a passerby (time of day unknown) who contacted the police and two policemen (saw their pictures on the police report in her file) collected her and delivered her to the orphanage. One of the policemen named her and supposedly chose her name because she was so cute and lovable (she is). The director said they listed Merry for adoption because she was so sweet and full of personality (she is that, too). They would like to see updates on her so the assistant director gave me her email address and asked me to email a picture of Merry when we have her surgery. I broke down in tears (again) when I asked our facilitator to translate how grateful I was to her and to the orphanage and to convey my gratitude to the nannies and to her foster grandma for the care they provided to her. The associate director had tears in her eyes by this time and thanked me for adopting her. We said our goodbyes and headed back to the van – me crying and them following behind and waving the whole way.
We had an uneventful trip back despite an unfortunate squatty potty excursion – think the worst gas station bathroom you’ve ever seen and multiply it by a million. I did learn today that Ava can hold it for at least 6 hours if she wants to. I finally just started opening random non-bathroom doors at the second rest stop and came across a handicapped bathroom with a western toilet that apparently also doubled as a smoking area (as is the rest of China, so I’m not sure why people would specifically go in there to smoke – but they did). We remain the center of attention always but at this point I HAD to find a place for Ava to go potty and she was having NONE of the squatty potty experience so I didn’t care that I was a crazy foreigner randomly opening doors.
More scenery (and a public service announcement).
Oh yeah, and somebody slept some more. Well, actually two somebodies slept but I couldn’t take pictures of one of them since she was on my lap.
So – that was our day. One filled with much sadness, joy, regret, relief, and gratefulness all at the same time.
This will be short but sweet today. I’ll try to flesh it out in the next day or so and add pictures but I haven’t downloaded them yet and everyone else is asleep so I can’t turn on the light to find the camera to do that right now. Well, that and I really have to go to bed since we have to be up early to drive to Merry’s city to apply for her passport. Her city, by the way, is 4 hours away. We will drive there with another family (who thankfully is also traveling with their older child which means Ava has a friend along).
Anyhoo.
The big news of the day?
Ava and I got to bottle feed fish at the local aquarium. Seriously. And it was really, really cool (until they told me it was tiny, squished up worm juice in the bottle and then I was a little grossed out and maybe overdid it on the hand sanitizer). J got a turn too once Ava and I got tired of bottle feeding said fish. They take a long time to eat (who knew?) and it got a little tiresome being that I’m already immersed in bottle feeding someone else right now anyway.
Ava was also in heaven because we are experiencing full on parental guilt for ruining her life with this new sister so we bought her every tacky souvenir in sight that she even remotely expressed an interest in. You know, like the multicolored flashing dolphin necklace and the pink inflatable squeaky dolphin. All the things we would never, ever buy her in the states since they would be like $12 each but we could swing here since they were, I don’t know, like a dollar. Even better since J, along with one of the other dads, got to haggle for them. He came back so proud. He hunted and gathered, you know.
Let’s see. We went to the mega breakfast buffet (again – it’s like groundhog day). We walked through the (huge) garden/market/public square/carnival to Mcdonalds again. We bought street food (strawberry tanghulu) on the way home. I bought Ava a pleasant goat (it’s a Chinese cartoon character that is EVERYwhere right now) balloon (which she promptly let go of ) so I bought another one. We were a huge spectacle with our Chinese children and were mobbed in the park by curious (yet friendly) onlookers. We were stalked like movie stars by people wanting to take our picture. We survived the gauntlet of crossing Chinese streets without getting killed AND walking the sidewalk without sustaining serious injury from one of the thousands of electric scooters zooming by. We made it back to the hotel room where my little big girl could finally relax without people approaching her constantly at which time she turned into a weepy, sobbing mess because she is sorely missing being the sole focus of my attention. Her heartbreak is palpable and made me cry, too. J ran away to W*l-Mart for a while because cabin fever is setting in (you know its bad when he goes there for fun). We mostly skipped dinner because I just couldn’t bear the thought of going out again and I didn’t want to eat in the hotel for the third night in a row. Oh, and about the hotel – it freaking annoys me to no end that they turn the A/C off during the day and only run it at night.
And I had to make a decision as to which of my children I would take care of first tonight when both needed me. That was hard.
I don’t mean to sound like a downer but these adoption trips are not anything at all like being on vacation and I just wanted to remind people of that. We’re doing okay now but I have a feeling that we will be going into sheer survival mode any day now – - and we have a long time yet to go.
Who knew I would miss my washing machine and my ability to do laundry anytime I wanted to so badly?
Okay, not all – but some. We’re still learning about her too, you see.
She sleeps. Hallelujah (and see previous post)! She naps twice a day and sleeps for 11-12 hours per night. The paperwork said she woke up at night for a bottle but she didn’t last night – maybe because we stuffed her before we went to bed. She definitely lets you know when she’s ready for her nap. She sleeps with her tush in the air.
She is sitting up, crawling like Speed Racer, reaches up to us to lift her, pulls up and cruises, chases Ava all over, hugs and touches Ava all the time, walks with assistance, can stand for a minute or two before plopping unceremoniously on her tush, makes amazing eye contact, laughs all the time, dances to music, claps her hands, and I think she tried to say mama earlier today. It certainly doesn’t hurt that she hears Ava say it 14 gazillion times an hour.
She is vocalizing more and more each day. She is super ticklish and laughs like a hyena when you tickle her belly. She loves – and I mean LOVES – bathtime. She hates – and I mean HATES for you to wipe her face and hands. She turns beet red and gets downright angry – it’s guaranteed to make her cry but is just about the only time she does cry. She loves to hug all of us but especially Ava. She melts into us easily when we are holding her, is fine with being in the carrier, and holds on to us just as she should.
Her head is a little flat on one side, her ears are definitely bothering her (she scratches and pulls at them) but her hearing seems okay as far as we can tell. She definitely does have an inguinal hernia (we kind of knew/suspected this) that presents if she coughs so I imagine we’ll have a surgical repair in her future for that. That chronic diaper rash is already getting better.
She is tiny – about 15-16 pounds according to the bathroom scale in our room. I have her in a 9 month outfit today but some of those are too short. Size 2 & 3 shoes so her feet are teeny, too. Good thing we didn’t believe the update we were given on her foot size. Those same updates said that she didn’t eat much and was primarily bottle fed. I’m guessing it was only due to lack of time on the orphanage workers’ parts since this kid will eat anything and everything. Her cleft doesn’t limit her much at all. It’s messy, of course, but most 15 month olds are. We’ve already had spaghetti sneezed out the nose which wasn’t nearly as gross as I thought it would be. She’s much messier due to her tendency to play in her food, smear it in her hair, and then toss it off the highchair to see which of us will pick it up first. This makes me happy since Ava was so sensory deprived that it took ages for her to actually play with, much less actually eat, food.
Her hair is brown, not black. She is very fair skinned with no mongolian spots that I can see. She’ll have chubby legs before long the way she’s eating.
She has no real preference for me or J other than she seems to like to go to sleep on me a little better (but that’s probably because I’m softer). She is an equal opportunity baby and will happily come to either one of us. That said, she worships Ava. It is so sweet to see them getting to know each other. Ava is more patient and gentle with Merry than I had dared hope. Ava won’t call her anything other than baby sister though. That’s okay – we’ve started calling her Merry and she’s already picking it up that that’s her name. We’ve also called her XinYi but I think we’re butchering the pronunciation too badly for it to register.
The photo albums we sent were returned to us and they have clearly been well used. She loves to look at them now so I’m sure she was allowed easy access to them in the orphanage. The only other thing returned to us was the little sister shirt she was wearing at Gotcha and two FULL(!) disposable cameras. We sent the ‘Little Sister’ onesie, along with a picture of Ava wearing the big sister shirt, in the last care package. The orphanage workers were pointing at Ava in her shirt and smiling when they walked in so it was clear they knew what we intended/hoped.
All in all, she’s doing really well. Other than her size, which could be just her genetics although I think we’ll see a quick increase in weight rather soon, she seems to be pretty much on track. Her foster grandma and the LOCC nannies have done a great job with her and we are so very, very grateful.
I will be glad to have her cleft repaired to restore proper function because it is definitely more work for her to eat and drink with the cleft – but in the meantime we are loving her beautiful (and very frequent) smiles and feeling very good about this path we decided to take. I don’t know how we got so lucky a second time but it looks like we hit the jackpot once again.